Interview Pep Talk

I've realized that I tend to lose perspective when I'm thinking the most.

When there's something coming up in my life that I can't control, I tend to think. I get anxious. I think about trying not to think about it. I try and prepare for the event every way I can. Clothes, packing, etc. I set everything I need out for the day before. I mentally rehearse my schedule for the next day. I think some more. I avoid doing anything spontaneous or out of the routine, meaning I avoid anything that would distract me from my worries which is the opposite of what I should do. I do all of this because I'm afraid of "jinxing" it. I'm too busy trying to hold on to any control of the situation I can grasp, even though all I have is my own thought-strings, that have little powerful hold on reality.

What ends up happening in these situations is I prepare all I possible can, something changes or goes wrong, I do a bit of course-correcting in the moment, and everything works out fine. But I still always worry in the first place.

For example, tomorrow at 4:30 I have a job interview. This whole weekend I have been worrying about it endlessly. I've been thinking about not thinking about it. I planned out what to wear yesterday. I've told very few people about it, even though when I first got the interview I was overjoyed and could have told anyone I met. After the initial excitement, I realized that I have my first interview ever and it might not go perfectly. So I stopped telling people. The more people you tell you have an interview, the more people you have to tell you didn't get the job.

After being stuck at McDonald's for 2.5 years, you start to feel like you're trapped. You start to feel that (aside from after college) McCraphole is as good of a job you'll get because you're so used to hating the job and being treated like crap by customers.

I've also been trying to think of how to be professional, I've worried I won't be freindly enough, and that I'll be too nervous to function. I've been doing all of this thinking, and it's only been making me lose perspective on my situation.

However, my lovely Aunt Resa helped me get some perspective back. I've realized that all of this superstition reveals my lack of confidence in myself and my lack of faith in God.

Regardless of whether or not I get this job, I WON'T be at McDumpster forever.

So, online--loudly and proudly--in the risk of all of the jinxes that have no more control on my life (as I will no longer let them influence my thoughts negatively), I say to myself:

GRACE!
I am a catch! I fit the bill of a desirable employee! If they pass on me, THEY are missing out!
I'm smart, conscientious, diligent, and motivated!
I'm dependable, hard-working, and have a thirst for learning!
I have ambitions to make a life for myself, the desire to constantly improve as a human being, and the drive to try and help others in any way I can!
I'm friendly, loyal, and out-going once you get to know me!
It may take me a while to become comfortable in new environments and learn everything in a job, but that is because I am THOROUGH and care a lot about my work!
I'm respectful, responsible, personable, and professional !

I just hope that I'll be able to communicate all of that through the interview.

But, here's to hoping!

Still I'll Rise

Resilience. I have to say I feel like I'm blessed with that gift.

It's kind of a family trait actually. My cousins and I have inherited the gift of resilience from our lovely late Grandma Doris. Our Grandma survived ten years of fighting cancer, without complaints and with an abundance of laughter, smiles, and kisses. My Grandma is probably the greatest person I ever will have met in my life. The idea of her simply is strength and hope. Unwavering faith. While receiving a death sentence of cancer, she made a choice to utilize this fight to redefine her life. Cancer helped my Grandma learn to live without her anxiety; with it she simply made the most of every bit of life she had, and what could have been months left turned into ten years. She prayed every night for just one more day with her family. She loved us all endlessly, affectionately, and to the fullest capacity.

Whether her resilience is something that is genetically passed down (like our family anxieties...) or something that was transfered through her inspiration, I know it's inside each of us. My mom told my sister and I after my Grandma passed that we are what got her out of bed each morning, so maybe it's just the strength we find in each other? I know that I would be nothing without the amazing families I have.

I recently discovered what is currently my favorite poem, "Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou. It's unbelievably powerful and speaks of the resilience I hope to continue to find everyday. The poem's original intentions was to give encouragement for those facing prejudice, however I find Maya's sass and confidence to be beneficial to any person with any problem.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.


I hope to someday have that level of confidence--the confidence that I am almost immortal. I think that's really what the poem speaks about--how to be secure in your sense of self. To have the confidence that although others may hurt you, you can still fight through it. Even as prejudice has taken lives, each of the lives taken are still immortal in memory and in pride for their race, just as my Grandma will always be immortal though the love of my family.

Oh, and Maya Angelou's totally hard core. She recieved a dance scholarship at the age of 14, became San Francisco's first female cable car conductor, lived in Egypt and Ghana as the editor of newspapers, ran a dance school in Ghana, worked with Malcom X and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., wrote novels and screenplays, recieved 3 Grammys, and is fluent in English, Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic, and West African Fanti. She's lead a pretty impressive life.

Learning Experiences

Hello everyone!

So I've definitely had one hell of a weekend. And it's not even over yet. First, I'd like to say that I'm so disappointed we're losing an hour of sleep tonight! Second, I have to say that I've learned a lot about myself these past 2 days. There's been a bit of psychoanalyzing going on.

I learned a lot about my own personal nature. Despite the risk of sounding conceded, I have to say that I'm not a selfish person. Obviously, I am at moments, but what I mean is I don't really have many opportunities to be selfish. My life consists of day-to-day "To Do" lists, planning for the future, and tightly scheduled days of community college, high school, drama club, homework, and working at a dump. I don't really date, since I never have luck with boys and timing, and I'm frankly too comfortable being single and too afraid to abandon the "me" for part of an "us". However, that brings me to the problem of this weekend. I almost went back on a prior commitment with a guy I'm just friends with for an old friend I'm starting to have feelings for.

At first I didn't even consider it. How horrible would that be? It would lack total etiquette and taste, not to mention break some hearts. But the more I started to think about it, the more I started to think that Cupid has served me a lot of crap lately--actually just nothing for a while. I've had a fantastic senior year and why couldn't I end it with things finally coming together?

I made the better decision in this situation. I'm not going back on my word, and it might not give me everything I wanted, but I've learned a lot from it.

I've learned that I can afford to be selfish on occasion. I should go for what I want more often, regardless of what others think. I could have done that in this situation, except for the morally ambiguous road block.

I actually discovered what I want. I tend to be "the girl who doesn't know what she wants", but now I found it, thanks to what initially made this situation so complicated. I can persue this, and if all I get is an old friend back and nothing more serious, it would still be the opposite of a loss.

I've also learned what amazing friends and family I have. To quote my cousin Sam, "We gain friends, we lose friends, but your actual friends will stand next to you when your entire world is in flames and crumbling." There's this girl who's my closest friend at school, and time after time she listens to the ramblings of my crazy messed up mind. Since I've had "best friends" who bolt on me and let me down in the past I keep waiting for her to get annoyed with me or bored and do the same, but she never does.

Also, I've learned that sometimes nothing is better than reverting to childhood behavior. Nothing has proven to be a better cartharsis for me this weekend than the family birthday party I was just at, where we had a Zilch (dice game) tournament, I drew pictures of cartoon fruit with my younger cousin, and participated in a Nerf dart war.

And lastly, I've learned that I need to think less. I over-think, over-analyze, second guess, and doubt myself. Ultimately, I just need a stronger faith that everything will be ok. I need to have faith, because sometimes the searches for answers and the attempts to find the right guy and the pro/con lists really fail you. I've found what I want where I least expected to find it and I made my college decision based on a "feeling" that proved to be more accurate than my pro/con list. I'm not good at giving up control of my life, but now I know it actually is more rewarding if I just trust myself.

(I also learned that IHOP stands for International House Of Pancakes. I should have listened to my dear friend Francis when he told me I should wait an hour after eating there before I go to bed. That was an unnecessary stomach ache.)

As messy as this weekend has been for me, it's probably been the best one I've had in a while.

(Sorry for rambling in this post! I've been using it to organize my thoughts, and unfortunately it didn't come out organized on the screen!)

Beginnings/Completion

Hello!

My name is Grace, and I recently decided to start this blog in the hopes of conquering my fears. It's been a couple of years since I've written anything for myself (not as a school assignment), and I've recently decided to major in English as a publisher and possibly do a bit of journalism. I used to write all of the time--stories, poems, song lyrics, my feelings. However, the world kind of kept me occupied, and now I'm finding that not only am I afraid of putting pen to paper at the risk of finding I'm not cut out for this major, but I'm afraid of losing interest in this artform. However, I'm drawn to literature. I've discovered that, simply enough, it makes me smarter. So here I go, on a journey to re-connect with this catharsis and coping mechanism that I used to love so much.

I named this blog "Sunshine Peeking Through the Curtains" after I found an old poem I wrote. At the time, the poem was supposed to be about love, but now I see this metaphor as a feeling I long for every day. It's about life. I long for knowledge and experiences, hoping that inspiration, as well as happiness or love might creep up on me unexpectedly and turn my life into something wonderful, like sunlight as it peeks through your curtains on a summer morning.


Completion

We go through life alone
A full persona
That somehow is not complete
Like a picture frame waiting to be filled
By the blurry portrait of love
Made clear when you finally meet
In time, you see love
And also find hope
Bringing a promise of happiness
Like sunshine peeking through
The curtains of a dark room
Remnants of pain and lessons learned
Are lost with fear and replaced with strength

Now daring and bold
Joined with freedom and opportunity
Are freed from fear’s mold
As love is the last puzzle piece
Completing you, so you are alive
Though a future of loss you might behold
The dance along the rainbow
Is greater then the gold



Love,

Grace