Learning Experiences

Hello everyone!

So I've definitely had one hell of a weekend. And it's not even over yet. First, I'd like to say that I'm so disappointed we're losing an hour of sleep tonight! Second, I have to say that I've learned a lot about myself these past 2 days. There's been a bit of psychoanalyzing going on.

I learned a lot about my own personal nature. Despite the risk of sounding conceded, I have to say that I'm not a selfish person. Obviously, I am at moments, but what I mean is I don't really have many opportunities to be selfish. My life consists of day-to-day "To Do" lists, planning for the future, and tightly scheduled days of community college, high school, drama club, homework, and working at a dump. I don't really date, since I never have luck with boys and timing, and I'm frankly too comfortable being single and too afraid to abandon the "me" for part of an "us". However, that brings me to the problem of this weekend. I almost went back on a prior commitment with a guy I'm just friends with for an old friend I'm starting to have feelings for.

At first I didn't even consider it. How horrible would that be? It would lack total etiquette and taste, not to mention break some hearts. But the more I started to think about it, the more I started to think that Cupid has served me a lot of crap lately--actually just nothing for a while. I've had a fantastic senior year and why couldn't I end it with things finally coming together?

I made the better decision in this situation. I'm not going back on my word, and it might not give me everything I wanted, but I've learned a lot from it.

I've learned that I can afford to be selfish on occasion. I should go for what I want more often, regardless of what others think. I could have done that in this situation, except for the morally ambiguous road block.

I actually discovered what I want. I tend to be "the girl who doesn't know what she wants", but now I found it, thanks to what initially made this situation so complicated. I can persue this, and if all I get is an old friend back and nothing more serious, it would still be the opposite of a loss.

I've also learned what amazing friends and family I have. To quote my cousin Sam, "We gain friends, we lose friends, but your actual friends will stand next to you when your entire world is in flames and crumbling." There's this girl who's my closest friend at school, and time after time she listens to the ramblings of my crazy messed up mind. Since I've had "best friends" who bolt on me and let me down in the past I keep waiting for her to get annoyed with me or bored and do the same, but she never does.

Also, I've learned that sometimes nothing is better than reverting to childhood behavior. Nothing has proven to be a better cartharsis for me this weekend than the family birthday party I was just at, where we had a Zilch (dice game) tournament, I drew pictures of cartoon fruit with my younger cousin, and participated in a Nerf dart war.

And lastly, I've learned that I need to think less. I over-think, over-analyze, second guess, and doubt myself. Ultimately, I just need a stronger faith that everything will be ok. I need to have faith, because sometimes the searches for answers and the attempts to find the right guy and the pro/con lists really fail you. I've found what I want where I least expected to find it and I made my college decision based on a "feeling" that proved to be more accurate than my pro/con list. I'm not good at giving up control of my life, but now I know it actually is more rewarding if I just trust myself.

(I also learned that IHOP stands for International House Of Pancakes. I should have listened to my dear friend Francis when he told me I should wait an hour after eating there before I go to bed. That was an unnecessary stomach ache.)

As messy as this weekend has been for me, it's probably been the best one I've had in a while.

(Sorry for rambling in this post! I've been using it to organize my thoughts, and unfortunately it didn't come out organized on the screen!)